Don’t say: “Smile! Your (who ever passed away) wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

Why: When you love deeply, you grieve deeply. Grievers need to be sad in order to get to the other side of grief.

Don’t say: “You are so blessed in life, focus on those.”

Why: It’s important for someone that has experienced loss to feel it and not pretend to be happy.

Don’t say: “She’s/he’s in a better place.

Why: Because we want them here to love/enjoy/giggle with.

Don’t say: “It’s been awhile since he/she/it died. It’s time you get over it.”

Why: You can’t put a timetable on grief, and if you struggle to comprehend that notion, well, then clearly you have not yet mourned the death of someone close.

Don’t say: “Cherish all of the wonderful memories. They will bring you peace.”

Why: This statement is true… but it takes time. The last thing a newly grieving person wants to hear is to cherish the memories. When their heart is hurting and their mind is spinning and their faith is broken, thinking about old memories guts them because the only thing they want to do is create new memories, which they can no longer do.

Don’t say: “Pull yourself together because you need to be there for your kids.”

Why: Grief, in its initial stages, is the emotional equivalent to having major surgery. The person is fragile and needs to heal. Following surgery, health care professionals will advise the patient to take it easy and focus on herself. No one would expect the patient to hop down off of the operating table after undergoing heart surgery so that she can fix her kids dinner. So please don’t make a grieving parent feel even worse by suggesting that she’s neglecting her children due to her grief. That’s just cruel.

Grief affects every aspect of someone’s physical and emotional health. It interferes with one’s ability to sleep, eat, concentrate, and function. Therefore, no one has the right to ask another person to swallow her pain in order to focus on others. Doing so only prolongs grief.

Kristi Smith, author of Dream: A Guide to Grieving Gracefully, says that transformation comes from first taking care of oneself. “Choose to help yourself, so that you can then turn around and help others,” says Smith. It’s kind of like the oxygen mask rule in airplanes: ensure your own breath before assisting those around you.

Don’t say: “So, how ‘bout them Broncos?”

Why: Though it may seem like you’re doing the griever a favor by keeping conversations at a superficial level, what grievers need is someone who is willing to let them be real. They need someone who isn’t afraid to talk about the tough stuff. The sad stuff. The human stuff. They need someone who will sit and listen and maybe even cry with them. This isn’t to say that you must never discuss sports or the weather. Just try to keep in mind that real healing comes from some of the heavier conversations.

Don’t say: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now.”

Why: I would encourage you to do just that. Stop and think about how you would feel if you were faced with the griever’s circumstances. Consider their feelings. Contemplate their pain. Imagine their struggle. Doing so will spark empathy in you. And empathy is the best thing you can offer someone who is hurting because when you empathize, the right words come more freely.

From 8 Worst Things You Can Say To Someone Grieving by Christy Heitger-Ewing